Magic

My student, Minneko, works as a postal worker, but she has a special hobby on the side, which is magic. This passion of hers became apparent during a recent lesson of mine. As always, Minneko came bustling into my Monday evening beginners’ class with a huge grin on her face. Her eyes, which are normally magnified by her bi-focal glasses, flashed with even more excitement than usual. I humoured her with a chuckle and a, "Now, what are you so excited about," remark, which on hindsight may have seemed condescending seeing as though she is about thirty years older than me. She struggled through a sentence which consisted of, "I magic, show you, exciting, exciting," and popped a DVD into my hands.
For a brief moment I thought she was going to turn the DVD into a rabbit with a wave of her hands. But she made some gestures that indicated she wanted me to watch the DVD.
"OK, Minneko," I continued with my condescending tone, "but only for a few minutes because other students will arrive shortly."
We went next door to the staff room and I popped the DVD into the computer.
A black screen opened with a legend that flew onto the screen announcing: "Magic Show in Nagano!!!!!!!!!!!" And in case you were wondering, the legend did have that many exclamation marks giving one the impression that they were being screeched at by an unseen announcer. The legend flew off screen with a needless twirly-whirly effect and the opening shot of the show began. It was of an empty smoky stage with an audience of elderly people perched in front. An almighty trumpet began to tootle off-screen giving a jarring effect which made me disorientated. I was at least watching this on screen. I would hate to imagine the effect this violent sound had on the frail brittle people in the front row. Their slumped postures may have indicated the fatal effect.
A few moments later the audience gave a scattered applause to an ancient chap who staggered on stage. He was completely unsure of himself. He clearly didn't know if this was his cue to come on stage or wait in the wings. He would look back to an unseen person at the side of the stage and give a cartoon shrug. For his sake I hoped this was part of the act because he was clearly a mess otherwise.
"Who is this stupid old man?" I said incredulously.
"My father," Minneko said, frowning at me.
I raised my eyebrows so high in surprise that they nearly flew off my head. “Ah, oh, er,” I responded strangely.
Meanwhile Minneko's father was giving a bad odour to Minneko's family name as he arranged his props with shaky hands, dropping a chair, his wand and even a top-hat which allowed a hidden rabbit to scoot free.
If he was partial to a bit of Tommy Cooper, this introduction would have been brilliant.
Minneko assured me he was being serious which made the performance even worse.
Minneko's father was now hobbling around the stage trying to catch the excitable rabbit whilst clutching his stooped back in pain.
The audience, meanwhile, were not sure whether to laugh or clamber up on stage and pump him with oxygen.
After a wasteful five minutes he assembled the props which had run-away and began the show.
Minneko's father attached a cape, (two-sizes too small) to himself and put on a top-hat (two-sizes too big), allowing only his nose to poke out under the rim. He then fluttered his hands in the air for some sort of effect that didn't in anyway contribute to anything, which pretty much summed up his whole act. He would make odd movements with his body to some cheesy synthesizer music whilst smoked billowed around the stage. That's all well and good, I thought, but I wanted to see some actual magic not some prat pontificating on stage. Minneko's father was lucky the front row snuffed it from the trumpet sounds, otherwise they would have stormed the stage asking for their money back.
Eventually he performed a below-par card trick which was so forgettable that I wished he would continue with his body contortions which were memorable because it was so bad.
"When are we going to see some actual magic?" I asked Minneko, whilst struggling to hide my irritation.
"Look at me!" she shrieked.
I followed her orders and stared at her like an idiot.
"No, not at me. Look at me on the screen!"
I looked at the screen and there was Minneko walking onto the stage with a garish, skimpy leotard, which nearly caused me to shriek with revolt.
Minneko was clapping in ecstasy beside me. Not wishing her to feel alone in her moment of joy, I also clapped.
On screen, Minneko's father instructed her to retrieve a box from the side of the stage with more unnecessary body theatrics. Minneko came back with the box and lay down inside it. Her father then went behind the curtain and came back wielding two samurai swords in his hands.
I was glad Minneko was standing next to me otherwise I would have been certain her father's limited and clumsy magical abilities would have resulted in impaling her with horrific results. Minneko was inside the box with only her smiling face popping out of the top.
Her father started to juggle the swords, dropping one in the process, which was careless considering he was only holding two of them. The sword he dropped clattered to the floor and spun towards the front row, causing many to leap backwards into the second row.
I wasn't surprised by this gaffe because his eyes were still concealed under his extra-large top hat.
After stooping down to collect his sword he started to thrust it into different holes on the box. On screen, Minneko looked shocked and in a great deal of pain with each thrust her father did, leading me to believe he had actual inflicted a mortal wound on her. After six more thrusts, Minneko looked white.
"Were you ok?" I asked Minneko.
"He was out of practice," she replied ambiguously.
Her father finished the act by unfolding each side of the box with some difficulty revealing that Minneko was alive but still wounded because she hobbled off stage whilst clutching the side of her hip.
Her father victoriously took off his top hat and bowed to the crowd. It sounded like only two people were clapping in the audience. The curtain then suddenly dropped onto the head of Minneko's father causing him to collapse to the floor, leaving only his feet jutting out from under the curtain. His feet were then pulled back behind the curtain by some unseen hand and he vanished from sight, which was one trick I approved off.