Onsen

A Japanese onsen has never appealed to me mainly because you have to be naked in a small pool with other men. It's a traditional Japanese past-time, but as far as I'm concerned they can keep it to themselves. I was, however, goaded into going to one by my students in my lunchtime class. Their English is very good so they could get to the route of my apparent problem with onsens.
"Are you afraid of the water being dirty?" said Mitsuko with concern.
"No, it's just something I don't normally do," I replied.
"Don't you like cleansing yourself?" said Noriko.
"Of course I do!" I said.
"Are you ashamed of your body?" asked Syuuiti.
"Hang on! Is this an English or Psychology lesson?" I said.
The truth was that I was a little uncomfortable with the whole idea of getting butt-naked in front of other blokes. Another aspect of an onsen is you just sit in the warm pool and do nothing. You're meant to relax, but I can't relax in a pool of dirty water with other pruning men. I'd rather read a book on the couch.
Syuuiti was the most aghast person in the room with regards to my lack of onsen experience. He was troubled by the fact that I had been in Japan for more than 10 months and hadn't had a traditional onsen.
"You've seen a lot of Japan, and done so many Japanese things, but not an onsen. Why, Sam, why?!"
My difficulty in coming up with a good excuse spurred me to say, "OK. I'll bloody do it!"
So I did the following weekend.
I walked to a nearby onsen and bought my locker key. I went to the changing room and saw a line of Japanese men aged between 100-200 years old stripping off and walking towards the adjacent onsen whilst their ball-sacks dragged across the floor.
I tentatively took my clothes off, making sure no-one was near me and went next door to the onsen.
The pool was filled with the ancient fossils I saw getting naked moments earlier. They were nattering to each other in Japanese. It was just my luck that I picked a day when the pool was filled with old friends and I was the social miscreant to break up the party.
I smiled and nodded to them when they all shot a glance at me. I instinctively cupped my naughty bits as I nodded. They nodded back and resumed their jolly anecdotes.
I spotted an isolated corner in the onsen and ran towards that before it was occupied. The only other space was between two obese men coughing like loons.
My sudden dash to the corner attracted concerned attention from the decrepit gang. I stopped in my tracks to give them another nod with the hope of confirming I was a cordial fellow without a mental problem. They nodded back and resumed chatting.
I quickly jumped into the pool hoping to conceal my flapping dick. Unfortunately, I caused an almighty splash which made the warm water slam into the face of the coughing bloaters nearby. I made amends by nodding to the others. They didn't nod back this time. Instead, they looked at me as if I was a rabid monkey let loose in this den of calm and relaxation. My face went bright red and I stared straight ahead at the wall. I didn't dare move another muscle in case I happened destroy the calm of the onsen.
I only lasted five minutes in the place before I got bored, so I made contented sigh and leapt out of the pool, causing a degree of relief amongst the elderly bathers who had been clearly nervous by my erratic presence.
When I met my class the following week, Syuuiti said, "Did you enjoy your onsen?"
"Hated it," I said.
At least I was honest.