Matsumoto Birdman

Matsumoto is a small city near Iida. There's not much to it except a castle and a goat. But if you look carefully you can discover a plethora of delights. I recently travelled there to see its sole attraction which was called Crow Castle.
I figured it had this name because of its black and white colour, but on further inspection it was because of the frightful amount of squawking crows swooping about the structure. The castle is an impressive sight. It is surrounded by a small mote filled with giant multi-coloured fish. It also boasts a beautiful garden nearby. But it was the assorted oddities around the grounds that attracted me.


Walking towards the entrance of the castle I spotted a cackling pork-pie hatted old man waving his hands in the air whilst young couples ran away from him, screaming. Naturally, I wondered why they were terrified of this lunatic. As I came closer I saw that rested on top of his hat and arms were crows flapping their wings with gusto. And the old man was talking to them in what I believed to be Japanese, but it could have been bird-speak for all I knew. He was feeding his winged pals bird-food whilst stroking their beaks. I hovered near him, curious to observe at close-inspection how he dealt with the tourists that walked past him. Needless to say he was in a wickedly impish mood because the next young couple that sauntered past him were subjected to him lunging at them whilst his feathered friends aggressively squawked and croaked. I couldn't fathom why he was doing this. Surely not for monetary purposes because who in their right mind would pay to be scared shitless by some bastard in a hat.

After his fresh bird attack, he adopted a new terror tactic. He pretended to be a statue and stood still. And, as expected, a small group of tourists approached. As soon as they stopped to inspect whether he was a real human or a model, he lunged towards them yelling, "BAAAAA!"
The group he terrorized were of an elderly disposition, and the oldest of the group gasped as he clutched his heart.
When I decided to walk past him, I knew what to expect, so when I observed him mounting an attack on me, I took the initiative and suddenly lunged towards him going, "BAAAA!”
He looked startled and clutched his heart, which made the birds fly away, obviously disturbed by this break in protocol.
Pleased with my victory over this unseemly character I explored the castle grounds with relish.


It was a pleasant affair with benign groups of tourists posing for pictures in front of the grand castle and the delicately crafted trees populating the gardens. I was enjoying this scene on a bench whilst I ate a chocolate ice-cream when, from the corner of my eye, I spotted an aberration to this picture-postcard area. This oddity was some bloke in a mushroom costume. He was hopping to and fro amongst the shrubberies and being a general pest. He was similar to the birdman outside in so much that I couldn't see what he was contributing to society. He would bounce over to a kid, ruffle their hair, chortle a jolly "ho ho ho," and would bound off again. I applauded the crew-cutted brute of a kid that took it upon himself to violently stamp on Mushroom-man's foot, which made him omit a thunderous yowl that disturbed the peace of the grounds.


The day was getting more entertaining by the minute. With this in mind, I entered the castle with high hopes that I would see something even more outrageous like a pair of gorillas wearing samurai garb and duelling with each other.
This never materialized, but a more realistic human comedy emerged.
The castle had five floors, and on each one it displayed an array of historical artefacts from Japan's illustrious medieval history. There were majestic Samurai armoury, ghoulish weaponry and simple tools and utensils for history buffs to salivate over. This was all fine, but what interested me was the death inducing steps that led visitors to each floor. They were all murderously steep and I was curious to see how people from all walks of life mounted these steps. The younger people managed to do so without much difficulty, but still complained about the danger apparent in walking up to the different levels. However, the elderly were a lost cause. They had to be towed up by at least 13 members of their respective families. What made this route more perilous was that people were either walking up to the different levels, or walking back down to the exits. It was like the worst human traffic jam you could imagine. And when the more portly members of society either ascended or descended the steps, the slow flow of humans ground to an abrupt halt as they hanged off the edge of the railings allowing for these big-boned waddlers a chance to pass on through.
I tried my luck at climbing to the different levels of the castle and constantly clattered into the people coming the other way.
The Samurais of old may have been accomplished warriors but they were fucking terrible architects when it came to stairs.